Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The Will to Live

I have to admit, I had been putting off another blog post thinking that there would be one last amazing story. But I should have known better. This is Mom we are talking about; a survivor, a widow, a miracle. This is a woman every week who never missed a hair appointment in order to get her hair done in that perfect bouffant style —half can of hairspray for the extra hold.

Fortunately we got through Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Blake's Birthday without any major events. There have been small peaks and lots of valley's. The valley's consist of shut eyes, little discernible talking, shallow breaths and lots of hand holding. The peaks have brought more miraculous memories and words. Christmas Eve was a valley. I decided for my kids sake since I missed the family get together on Thanksgiving, I needed to attend our annual Christmas Eve celebration where we all take a part and sing the twelve days of Christmas. Christmas day I made my daily morning call to check in on her, and her care giver said to rush over because she was talking again. My family was just about ready to go downstairs and see what Santa brought — but Shawn and the kids heard my conversation with the care giver and selflessly said "Go! We'll wait for you". And so, I was able to have another amazing memory to fill my wonderbox that morning. It was the best gift I could have ever wished for. Mom very clearly told me "I love you more than you know".

Honestly I considered the title for my post "Groundhog's Day". Like Bill Murray, I feel  like I have been stuck in one place and every day is exactly the same. Every night before I shut my eyes I say the lord's prayer and finish it off by asking god to escort my Mom to heaven. Then every day I wake up realizing I did not receive a phone call during the night about her passing and realize I have another day to live in this depressing but magical state of life.

Everyone has asked if I have given her permission to die. I not only have given her permission but I go there multiple times a day to help plan her exit. Not because I want her to go but because she needs to go. She has not eaten in more than two weeks. She is so weak. My Brother and Sister-in Law were both saying yesterday that the opposite has happened; now her mind is sharp when she is present and her poor little body, physically just can't keep going. Just yesterday during another peak she said "I have had an amazing life. I just thought I had longer to enjoy it". She asked us "What would Fonie do?"

Here is what we have said to her, hoping one of these statements will help her to feel at peace:
-"There is a party waiting for you in heaven. There is a table full of food. Lot's of chocolate. All the cocktails you can order. And everyone you love is there. Daddy, Aunt Fon, your Mom, Aunt Bun, Jenny, Char..."
-Let's get on your favorite outfit, your jewelry, your sun glasses and scarf and I'll send you off in your convertible with the top down"
-"You are the best Mom anyone could ever wish for. You are beautiful, strong and have taught us everything we need in life to be ok without you. You have done your job! An amazing job".
-"We will meet again. One day you will have a party waiting for us in heaven".
-"I'm ok. I will be ok"

I have come to the conclusion, this is not my story. That is why I created this blog in the first place. This is her story. Her life. Her journey. I am just the story teller. Trying to make sense of something that I honestly have no control over. That my friends, is the lesson here. Who am I to tell her when she needs to go? It is clear she has the will to live. She will be alive down to the last breath. Obviously she wants to see 2014. Who wouldn't? She knows how wonderful life is. She is not quite ready to see yet how wonderful life after life is too.

Maybe it's time to make another hair appointment for her? The story continues.

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